Am I happy? What the fuck kind of question is that?
“I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.” – Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind Of A Funny Story
Everything I’m feeling is kind of a funny story. And before you are impressed with my extravagant reading list, I found the quote on Google. A few years ago i wouldn’t have told you that. A few years ago i would’ve been an avid reader who would someday read the book, or has read something of this sort and thus would not be blatantly putting up a false image of a reader. I don’t read much now.
I learnt about high functioning depression today. It is basically when a person does not seem to have depression as they function day-to-day like any normal member of society. Often they function seemingly better, excelling at their academic or professional lives, including taking up extra curriculars and side jobs. But unlike normal people who would revel in their success, high functioning depressives have the same hopeless, unenthusiastic, self critical attitude towards life, which if prolonged are symptoms of depression. These people are often hit with the classic “you don’t seem depressed” and “your life is so amazing”, something that actually might make things worse as it feels like they are not appreciative enough to deserve this life.
I would say that sounds like me but I’m hardly high functioning. I am still functioning though, almost fully. My college applications are coming along. I am less into extra curricular activities than i used to be. I have nearly given up on hobbies. I’m an above average student, nothing outstanding, but above average for sure. Now i just sound like I’m bragging. Don’t take me too seriously, it’s all self diagnosed nonsense anyways.