After a long time I’m actually happy with my life. And that has led to some very new feelings for me. 

First of all, I make less self deprecating jokes. Weird because for the past two years that was most of my sense of humour. 

Secondly, most of my friends aren’t in the state I am in. They still have universities to apply to and tests to give and classes to attend. Which means they feel a similar drag of alevels that had me so depressed. Friends that don’t go to my school or are of a different age have had no change at all, except for one it has actually worsened. This has led to certain feelings of guilt.

Now as someone who experiences immense amounts of guilt and not always rationally, I have a system of checking through pointers to see how sensible this is and how much is my depression talking. Do I deserve to be happy? Yes. I did my time, I gave my alevels, I applied, I got a load of rejection letters, I cried about all that. I’m done doing what they are now. I earned the feeling of ease I have right now. Question two, can I help them and if so, am I? I’m helping those that I can. One has a sick parent and there is nothing I can possibly do. I did something shitty recently though. Best friend wanted to hang out, asked me thrice, I declined cuz he had justo spent a week vacationing with his squad and I met him right before. He also already had a friend over who had just come from abroad. Also, I was tired and didn’t have a car and didn’t feel like it basically. At night he told me how horrible he was feeling the whole day and how he had asked 5 other people who all declined. Felt guilty the whole night. Showed up to his house the next day. Hung out most of the day. All is well now, not that he had held any resentment to begin with. 

Just a thought that occurs to me and is a persistent dark cloud in my otherwise sunny state of mind. Maybe it’s something akin to survivors guilt for surviving the sadness while leaving some people behind. 

Touch by Troye Sivan because I’m in a romantic kinky mood.

Also yes I’m done with the numbers as titles seemed lazy and I didn’t upload enough to reach 365 within a year which was the original point.


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